Finding My Way Out of "The Dark Place"

In January, I proudly logged 1270 minutes of exercise for the month. Quite a feat for me, the exercise hater. February wasn't bad at 760 minutes, but still not quite where I wanted to be.

Last Friday, while working with Denise during my personal training session, I mentioned that it was the first time I had stepped foot in the gym all week and how I was furious with myself for not coming in and logging the minutes like I did in January. The more we talked, I finally got to the point where I admitted to her and to myself: I had ventured into that dark place in my head where I don't like myself and find fault with everything I do or fail to do. As the month went on, I just sunk deeper and deeper into those dark recesses, being perfectly content to go home and hide from the world each night.

I kept fighting the 'why am I killing myself at the gym when I'm not seeing results' demon. That, among other self-doubt issues, was at the top of the darkness list. Down deep inside, and as Denise reminded me, I have seen results from my workouts. Oh, they may not be visible to you because my size hasn't changed much, but yes, they are visible to me. And she also reminded me that I needed to be proud of the fact that generally, I've changed my lifestyle over the last 9 months and exercise has become the rule and not the exception. Those 760 minutes in February were probably about 750 minutes more than I had done in February of 2008.

So, now that March is here, I'm scratching and clawing my way out of the dark place. I'm trying to be at peace with myself, my body and that demon that seems to rear its ugly head so often. I'm not quite out of the dark place just yet, but I'm seeing the light through the darkness.

Maybe Zumba will help.

Until Next Time,

Kel