Today, I've Found My Confidence

Normally, I'm not a person who lacks in self-confidence. I have no problem taking exercise classes even when I'm the biggest girl in the room; I'll strike up a conversation with perfect strangers; I've even been known to stand up for myself (or someone else) in public when someone is being insensitive.

But, for the last week, I've been a more of a self-doubt mode. Big time self-doubt mode.

It started last Thursday night, when I was at my favorite frozen yogurt place getting my fix of their sugar-free fro yo. A thin, young blonde woman in front of me in line very loudly made a comment about fat people eating frozen yogurt. It was hurtful, to say the least. But, being who I am, I responded so that the other customers in the shop could hear: "Gee, I'd rather be fat than ignorant, prejudicial and blonde."

Normally, I can just bounce back from an encounter like that and chalk it up to the other person just being stupid. But, this time, it wasn't as easy to let go of. I took it more personally than I should have. My poor friend Linda was the first to have to listen (or read since we visit every day via e-mail!) to my tirade about it; after working out with Denise Friday night, I dumped the story onto her ears. On Saturday, I was still feeling the sting of it all, and Denise immediately picked up on my mood during cardio-kick boxing.

All week long, I've been in the 'I look like crap' state of mind, feeling like my workouts and better eating habits are all for naught. I know that my body is different these days because of the hard work I've been doing, but people who don't know me just see me as someone who's big and fat and all the adjectives that go along with those two words. And it bugged me.

But, down deep inside, I didn't want that little twit's words to discourage me, so I did manage to work out Saturday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, even though on the top, I was feeling ugly and too fat for words.

Then, this morning as I was rushing around to get ready to come to work, I bumped into the tv card and knocked some dvd's off the shelf. The movie on the top of the pile: The Sound of Music. It's one of my favorite movies and I immediately thought of the song "I Have Confidence" - the one Maria sings on her way from the Abbey to the Von Trapp home on her first day. I can sing the song in my head and as I was easily bending over to pick up my mess, did just that - starting humming and singing "I have confidence in me!"

I finished getting dressed and looking at myself in the mirror, discovered that I'm having a good hair day and that I don't look fat and frumpy today and yeah, for a big girl, I'm looking really good these days.

I've found my confidence again!

Now if I could only find my courage....

Until next time,

Kel