I am missing the "shopping gene" that most women have. I HATE going to the mall. I would rather be beaten with a bat than to go to a mall. And on those times when it is necessary to make a trip there, it takes many hours of mental preparation on my part to survive it. Today was one of those necessary days.
Since Mervyn's closed its doors at the end of last year, I've been very careful about how I wear and care for my bras. They carried the exact size and brand I like and I could usually get them on sale whenever I needed a new one. And even though Mervyn's was in the mall closest to my house, it was an end-anchor store, so I could park right outside the door, jump out of the car, run into the door and up the escalator to the wall o' bras to get what I needed. Round trip, I could get the goods and be home within 20 minutes and never step foot inside the mall. It was a good system.
On Sunday, as I was moving things around in my workshop, I heard a very distinct snap, followed by a sharp pinch on the underside of my right, ahem, boob. Fear and panic set in as I knew it was the dreaded underwire snap, and this was my second-to-last Mervyn's purchased bra. Egad! Would I have to head into another store IN A MALL to try to find a new supply? Like Scarlett O'Hara, I put the thought away because I still had 1 more bra and tomorrow was another day....
I started hearing commercials for Macy's one day sale on Wednesday, and as luck would have it, bras were on sale: buy 2, get 2 free. Yippee - the price was right, but it meant a trip to the mall. The cold sweats started. Last night, there was a commercial on tv for the sale, and my interest was piqued by the $99 2-carat total weight diamond and sterling silver bracelet that you could only get until 1:00. Hmmm, I could go to the Macy's at the Stanford Shopping Center (an open-air mall filled with yuppie stay-at-home moms and rich, retired ladies) during lunch, purchase 4 bras and reward myself for surviving the trip with a diamond bracelet. Yeah, that worked for me. I woke up this morning with a new feeling of confidence. It's amazing what the thought of diamonds will do for a girl.
I set out around 12:30 today, wanting to make sure I could get a bracelet before 1:00. It took all of 10 minutes to get to the shopping center and park. I thought I should buy the bracelet first. I opened the door to Macy's and it hit me: the sickeningly sweet blend of perfumes from the corners of the world. My head started spinning as I tried to adjust to the smell and clear my eyes of the onslaught of tears from the irritation. That's one of the reasons I hate going to the mall.
I made my way through the cosmetics section, weaving and dodging the sales women standing outside their counters ready to pounce on anyone who looked like they needed a makeover. I must have looked pretty good (or had my 'don't talk to me face' on) because not a single one stopped me. I can't decided if I'm glad or insulted.
I found the diamond bracelet and tried it on. It wasn't quite what I was expecting and after some deliberation, I put it back in it's lovely velvet box and decided that I'd rather spend that money on more scrapping supplies. It was off to the third floor and the lingere department!
So, being a big girl, I can tell you that I don't spend a lot of time in the department store. And the lingere department? I can't tell you when was the last time I even stepped foot in one because at Mervyn's, I could make a bee-line to the product I needed and never even look at anything else that resembled lingere. So, here I was with my utilitarian over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder and granny panties at the edge of the "intimate apparel" department at Macy's. Oh.my.gosh!!!! I never knew bras and "seat covers" could come in so many styles, colors, shapes and sizes... My head was once again spinning.
I gathered up my courage, stepped into the colorful department and tried to find the name brands that I like; once at that rack, it was a task to find a band size over 40 to hold my rack. Department stores just don't cater to women who are larger than a pencil and finding what you need becomes a treasure hunt. Well, I managed to find one white and one beige in the style I like in my size; I settled for another white and beige in another style by the same manufacturer. I figured what the heck - they were free, right?
Mission accomplished, and now to stand in line to pay for these 4 treasures. That's when I got an eyeful of today's lingere fashions. The line for the checkout counter was snaked through the itsy-bitsy pieces of fluff that some people can get away with wearing. Yikes. A band-aid is much cheaper and probably covers more real estate than some of those getups. The most fascinating piece was the bra and 'thong' set on the mannequin that was staring me in the face while I waited my turn. It was a cotton number with cherries on it and lots of lace. Lots of lace is an exaggeration - it would have been lots of lace if it were in my size. I can say the the bra was cute and for a moment, I thought it was something that if I could find it in my size, I'd wear it. But it was the sight was of the thongy-thingy that fascinated me. The elastic for the waistline (or hip line - it was a low-rider) was covered in the cherry-motif material, and it held up a piece of lace that surrounded the hip. Strategically placed at the bottom of the lace was a triangle of said cherry-motif cotton that couldn't have been more than 3 inches at its widest point. And the bottom of the triangle was attached to the back this contraption by what looked like a shoelace with cherries on it. I.KID.YOU.NOT. A shoelace!!!!!!!
What da.... I just stood there trying to figure this little number out: you'd have to have a really good Brazilian 'cause that triangle ain't covering anything up.... what's the point of the shoelace.... isn't the shoelace uncomfortable.... if you're wearing a skirt with that underneath, how do you sit down and not get germs in strategic locations? The one thought that kept popping into my mind: if I wore that with my butt, that shoelace would never be seen again.
Thank goodness I didn't have to wait too long because I'm sure my brain would have imploded trying to figure out the whys and whats about that outfit. As I left the department with my four industrial strength bras, I was kinda glad I'm a big girl and don't have to deal with fashion dilemmas like shoelace thongs.
I wandered over to the housewares department where things looked very familiar and I felt comfortable and bought a set of frying pans to calm my nerves.
I might have cherry-motifed nightmares tonight.
Until Next Time,
Kel
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