I've had a really great argument going since Wednesday. It's been with myself and has been quite intense. And it's still raging on in my head. Well, mosty in my head - sometimes I catch myself actually talking out loud and answering back. But that's a whole 'nother problem.
It all started early Wendsday morning, when it was still dark outside and Aero was peacefully snoozing on his pillow. As I was getting dressed for boot camp, the feeling of dread and the echo of 'why am I doing this' kept running through my mind. But, I made myself get out of the house and over to the gym for the class; when I got there, that voice in my head was trying to convince me not to get out of the car and to turn around and go back home and crawl under the covers.
Still, I got out of the car and went inside and did my usual pre-class routine, then plopped myself down on my mat to start the warmups. There. I did it. I'm here and starting to work out. See, it isn't so bad. I'm getting healthier. This is good for me.
Yeah, that was great, until the rest of the group left the building for their jaunt around the block while I trudged over to my new not-so-best-friend, the elliptical. That's when the self-doubt talk and the argument really kicked in. The argument kept up, no matter what kind of exercise we were doing. And because I was concentrating so hard on arguing with myself, I didn't pay much attention to what I was doing or to my breathing. Which got me in trouble - it brought on another lung spasm. Luckily it was toward the end of class when it started, and I was able to head into the locker room, grab a seat and suck down some Albuterol. Of course, while I was gasping for air, the argument to quit boot camp just got more intense, with my argument being the lung spasm.
Once I recovered, I did my normal after boot camp routine, drove to the office, and continued the argument in my head off and on all day. And it continued through the evening.
This morning I had to be in the office for 5:00 a.m. to cover a video call with our East Coast offices. Last week, when the meeting was first scheduled, I told my boss that I was unavailable today, knowing it was a boot camp morning. So, I arranged to have a co-worker cover the meeting for me starting at 5:30. Of course, the "quit" half of the argument started with the alarm at 4:00 a.m., trying to convince me to hop in the shower and put on work clothes and just stay at the office and blow off boot camp today. After all, it was really hard on Wednesday. And, I really don't belong in this round - everybody else is so much more fit than me and I look ridiculous trying to keep up and the weight isn't budging and I'm still sore from Monday..... You get the picture. But I knew if I gave in and didn't go to boot camp, it would be over.
And I would have let boot camp beat me.
So, I put on my grubby workout gear and headed to the office to launch the call. Promptly at 5:40, I got in my car and headed to the gym. I walked in at 6:02, just as the initial warmup was wrapping up. I started with the elliptical for 3 minutes, then fell right in line with everything else.
And it didn't seem so hard.
And the negative self-doubting wanting-to-quit voice stopped trying to convince me to quit. I refuse let boot camp beat me!
After class was over, I talked with Denise about the self-doubt and wanting to quit. She assured me that it's ok to have days like that - even she gets up some mornings and feels the same way. But, she told me that the most important thing was that I fought it and showed up this morning - otherwise, it would have been too easy to not come back on Monday. She said she was glad that I made it this morning and quite honestly, so was I.
So today, the "No I Don't" want to quit voice is shouting at me. I just hope my co-workers aren't disturbed by it....
Until next time,
Kel
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